Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Original AFLD Lance/Drug Test Scene

Here's the original text of what happened when the AFLD showed up to take a drug test from Lance a few weeks ago. Sadly, the scene didn't turn out as scripted. See the video below; compare to the actual "script."
---
LANCE: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
AFLD: Rather what?!
LANCE: I'd rather...
[music]
...just... take a shower!
AFLD: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a shower while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're going to take a dope test for the outfit that lets cyclists on the biggest tracts of open land in France.
LANCE: B-- but I don't want land.
AFLD: Listen, Floyd…
LANCE: Lance.
AFLD: Lance. You cycle in a bloody swamp. You need all the land you can get.
LANCE: But-- but I don't like France.
AFLD: Don't like France?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!
LANCE: I know, but I want the-- the place where I cycle to have...
[music]
...a certain,... special... something!
AFLD: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're taking a dope test, so you'd better get used to the idea!
[smack]
Guards! Make sure Lance doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
AFLD GUARD#1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD: No, no. Until I come and get him.
AFLD GUARD#1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
AFLD: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
AFLD GUARD#1: And you'll come and get him.
JOHAN BRUYNEEL: Hic!
AFLD: Right.
AFLD GUARD#1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
AFLD: No, no. Leaving the room.
AFLD GUARD#1: Leaving the room. Yes.
[sniff]
AFLD: All right?
AFLD GUARD#1: Right.
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD: Right.
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
AFLD: Yes? What is it?
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
AFLD: Look, it's quite simple.
AFLD GUARD#1: Uh...
AFLD: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD: Right.
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
AFLD: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--
AFLD: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
AFLD GUARD#1: Until you or anyone else--
AFLD: No, not anyone else. Just me.
AFLD GUARD#1: Just you.
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD: Get back.
AFLD GUARD#1: Get back.
AFLD: All right?
AFLD GUARD#1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
AFLD GUARD#1: What?
AFLD: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
AFLD GUARD#1: Lance?
AFLD: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, yes, of course.
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD GUARD#1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
AFLD: Is that clear?
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
AFLD: Right. Where are you going?
AFLD GUARD#1: We're coming with you.
AFLD: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
AFLD GUARD#1: Oh, I see. Right.
LANCE: But AFLD!
AFLD: Shut your noise, you! And pee in that cup!
[music]
And no showering!
JOHAN: Hic!
AFLD: Oh, go and get a glass of water.

1 comment:

whareagle said...

Classic!